Welcome Week: Every College Kid’s Dream vs. Every Parent's Nightmare
/5 Steps to Sending Your Child Off to College
In the past few weeks, I’ve talked to several parents who are getting ready to send their kids off to college for the first time! It’s always a bitter sweet and has the remnants of when they sent their child off to their first day of Kindergarten over a decade ago. So much time has passed between then and now, but somehow it still feels the same; your baby is growing up! The only difference now is that your kid is actually “grown up” and technically an adult, even though this is probably their first time trying to figure out life outside of the comfort and safety of your home. It’s a terrifying fact, but also an exciting reality where you can watch your adult-child thrive and learn and problem solve and begin to apply all these skills and ideas you’ve instilled in them throughout their life.
When kids go away to school, they still have so much to learn and it can be really scary, as a parent, to let go to let them learn, but it’s a critical time in their life and their development. They’re “technically” and legally an adult at 18, but we know that the prefrontal cortex (or logic) part of the brain continues to develop for several years, which means they’re not quite there yet and the next several years of college are going to be where they begin to figure this adult-life out. I can speak from my own personal experience, and from working with young adults, to say that you will likely see a drastic change in your child from when they leave for college that first year to when they come back that first summer. It’s like a mental/developmental growth spurt that happens and they seem to go from being a teenager to being an adult nearly overnight!
In the future, I’ll probably end up writing a post for college kids about college stress or life balance, but for now, my focus is on taking care of you, parents. I’m sure it’s a tough week for you and I want to give you a few suggestions on how to navigate this first year in between your sob fests and victory dances that most college kids will never see. So grab the tissues, grab your wine, and set aside Life 360 for a few moments as we try to figure this whole thing out!
5 Steps to Sending Your Child Off to College:
Step 0: Accept the Fact That You are the Parent of a Kid Who Is Going Off to College
I marked this “Step 0” because if you’re reading this, I’m assuming you have already completed this step by default…Congratulations! Your child is probably already at school or going to be there real soon and you don’t have much of a choice at this point. You’re going to send them off to school, maybe help them move, unpack, settle in, pay a hefty tuition, etc., but at the end of the day, your child is staying and you are leaving, and as harsh as it may be, there is really no other choice but to accept it.
Step 1: Allow Yourself to Grieve!
This is a huge step for you and it’s going to be sad at times! It’s okay to cry and be sad, and maybe a little scared, even in the midst of being excited for your child’s achievement. Allow yourself time to feel and experience these emotions; grab the tissues, pull out the baby books, watch old videos…do whatever you need to do to mourn the loss because this will ultimately lead to acceptance and healing.
Step 2: Hang Out With Friends
As much as it’s okay to be sad, it’s also okay to be excited! You have a little more time on your hands and it’s okay to go out and spend that time with your friends to have fun, distract yourself, and/or share your hurt. Hopefully you have a couple friends going through this experience or who have already gone through this experience who you can share with and lean on. As lonely as it can feel, I can guarantee, there’s a million other parents who have also sent their child off to college. Talk about how you’re doing, ask about how they’re doing, compare notes on what has helped to get through the transition; do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself!
Step 3: Give Your Child Space
This is their first time out on their own and they probably feel like they’re on top of the world with this new-found freedom! I’m not saying you should totally let up and cut off all communication while you “give them space,” but you probably shouldn’t be tracking their every move, calling four times a day, or begging them to come home every weekend. This is their time to learn and explore as they begin to establish their adulthood; whether they realize it or not, they’re comparing everything they’ve learned throughout their childhood to what they’re seeing and experiencing of those around them. They’re weighing their morals and values and worldviews and asking themselves: Is this my belief or my parent’s belief? Is this my idea of the world or my friend’s idea of the world? Do I agree with this or do I not agree with this? Allow them space to develop these ideas while having fun!
Step 4: Encourage and Love On Them
This one may sound contradictory to the last step, but it holds them same weight! While it’s important to give them space, we also don’t want to completely abandon them! Send your kid an encouraging text from time to time, or occasionally (I emphasize “OCCASIONALLY”…like at most a few times a week) call them to check in, send a care package, maybe go and visit once during the semester to take them out to eat. While they may not always reach out to you, I can almost guarantee they will appreciate you reaching out to them from time to time. It’s okay to ask about their friends, roommates, classes, weekend fun…you’re still their parent and you still care about them! I would encourage you to not make their life and their decisions your focus, but just as much as you are grieving the past, it can help to heal by looking for the positives and experiencing joy as you witness you child’s eagerness and excitement.
Step 5: Go With the Flow
This is probably going to be the most difficult step because it takes some level of acceptance. As you continue to heal, it’s important to move with the change and not fight it. We talked earlier about how this can feel similar to when your child had their first day of Kindergarten, but I’m sure you’ve already come to realization that this time your child is actually moving on to become an adult who is establishing their own adult life…and that realization can hurt a lot! At this point, you really have two obvious options and that is to either continue depending on your child’s dependence, or moving to accept their independence while beginning to focus on your own life and experiences. You will always be their parent and nothing will ever take that away, but as life brings you to new places, be intentional about accepting it and learning to ebb and flow with where this change is taking you.
Although, it may initially feel like you’ve lost your child forever, I can almost guarantee they will still call you when they need you! I remember on several occasions calling my parents needing money or emotional support; I still came home for summers and vacations (at least the ones that I benefited from!); and I had a newfound sense of entitlement when I came home, expecting the freedom of an adult without the responsibility of being an adult. I’m sure if you were to talk to my parents by the end of that first summer, the roles had likely reversed, and they were counting down the days until I went back to school and they had their house, food, and freedom back!