My Kid Needs Counseling…Now What?

This question right here is what I call a freeze moment. As a parent, you’re going through each day doing the best you can, juggling school, sports, after school activities, hours of homework…just trying to hold it all together, and then it seems to hit you out of nowhere….you either notice a behavior that really concerns you, your child’s teacher calls and tells you that your kid is struggling in school and acting out, or a close friend suggests you take them to a counselor. You see it and you hear it, but then you freeze…now what?? This moment of realization can be absolutely terrifying for parents because there are so many unknowns!  Your mind is flooded with thoughts: 

• What did I do wrong? 

• I don’t want my kid to think they are messed up!

• Is this my fault?

• What if this is just a phase they’ll grow out of?

• How do I bring this up to my kid?

• I don’t want counseling to replace church, sports, family, friends, etc.

• Could I have done something different?

• Is my kid going to be in counseling forever?

• Is counseling going to hurt mine and my child’s relationship?

• I don’t want my kid to be dependent on counseling!

• Do I tell his/her sibling or family members?

• Are his/her classmates going to think she/he’s weird?

• How does someone even do counseling with a kid at this age?

Nearly every parent I talk with on the phone or meet with for the first time has had at least one of these concerns, questions, apprehensions, etc., so the good news is…it’s normal to be scared and it’s okay to not have all the answers!  Whether it’s myself or another therapist you are reaching out to, it’s okay to ask all of these questions and talk about all of your concerns. A good therapist will take the time to address each and every one of your questions and concerns to help you feel comfortable with the process before jumping into therapy with your kid. As a parent, it’s normal and healthy to want the best for your child and sometimes this means putting the therapist in the hot seat to make sure they are going to be a good fit for you and your family. 

In this post, I want to answer some of the most common questions I get from parents, to hopefully ease your mind as you determine if therapy is the best option for your kid(s). I will say that I can’t speak for every therapist, and some may have differing opinions, but I can at least help you understand how I approach therapy with the kids I see. 

1) “I don’t want my kid to think they’re messed up!”

This is a concern I hear from a lot of parents - they think that by telling their child they’re going to counseling, the child is going to immediately assume something is wrong with them. This may be the case…sometimes, but in my experience, this is typically a projection of the parent’s own internal fear; it has nothing to do with the child, but more about how the parent views counseling or was raised to view counseling. I know when I was growing up, counseling was frequently used as a last resort and only for the “really messed up kids”… or at least that’s how it was portrayed to me. I think a lot of parents have the same idea and therefore assume their child will think similarly. 

I encourage parents that counseling can be to your child whatever you make it to be - it’s all about how you frame it to them. If you tell your child, “You’re going to counseling because you’re having problems” or “I’m taking you to a counselor because you’re always bad,” your kid will begin to form this idea that they are “messed up.”  If we can change the language to tell our kids, “I’ve been noticing you’ve been getting sad lately and want someone to help you with your sad,” or “Sometimes kids want to talk to someone besides mom and dad about feelings they have or problems they’re having,” then our kids will begin to think about it differently.

To be honest, counseling can be whatever you and your child need it be - if you want it to be a place for them to talk about feelings, then you can say that to them; if you want them to learn coping skills for their feelings, then pitch it to them in that sort of way; if you want to learn more parenting skills then it’s okay to tell your kid that you want to be the best parent you can be and need their help to learn. 

2) “Is my kid going to be in counseling forever?”

 I will start by saying that this will definitely vary on a case-by-case basis, but as a general rule, I never want a child or person I see to become dependent on counseling. It’s my goal to teach the child, teen, parent, and/or adult the skills they need to live a healthy and satisfying life outside the counseling office. Especially when I work with kids, I want to be actively involved and constantly communicating with the parent to 1) make sure we’re on the same page and 2) teach the parent the skills they need to help their child at home. Parents are with their kids more than I ever will be and it’s important for them to help their kid cope and communicate in the moments they are not in the counseling office. These are the moments where the child will learn how to implement and use the skills appropriately in the “real world.”

I do tell parents that kids may need counseling at different points in their lives to address issues that come up as they develop, but it’s not always necessary to keep them in counseling consistently, especially if they get to a point in counseling where the behaviors are “developmentally appropriate” and the kids are happy and healthy. This is definitely something to ask or talk to your therapist about to get an idea of what the plan for treatment will be. For example, I know the kids I see who have been severely traumatized or abused, will typically have a longer and more consistent therapy process throughout their development, but the same rule applies: if they get to a point in therapy where the behaviors are developmentally appropriate, and they are happy and healthy, we’ll either decrease how often they are seen or discuss what’s in the best interest of the child.  

3) “How does someone even do counseling with a kid at this age?”

You can read more about who I am as a therapist and what I believe here, but to put it simply, I use a lot of play, toys, sand, art, etc.! Kids don’t communicate like adults do and often use play, art, or even stories to communicate their feelings or share things that are going on in their lives. They may not always be super direct and say “I feel ____ when _____ happens,” but they’re guaranteed to show us in one way or another, and it’s my job, as a therapist, to teach them how to communicate what they’re feeling and respond to their feelings in a healthy way. 

Kind of like I said before, a lot of my work with kids also involves work with the parents. There are several times when parents talk about a behavior that’s showing up at school or home that never presents itself in the therapy office. In these situations, I teach the parent how to respond, or work with the school on how to best address the behavior. If a kid is acting out, there is often a need that’s not being met or a feeling they don’t know how to communicate, and they ultimately need the help of an adult.

 If you’re a parent who is actively seeking out counseling for your child, I am sure you have so many questions and I know I only addressed a few, but hopefully it gives you some reassurance that you’re not the only one. It’s okay to have questions; it’s okay to have concerns; and it’s okay to ask questions like:

• What counseling techniques do you use when working with kids?

• How do you involve the parents in the therapy process?

• What does the first or any therapy session normally look like?

• How should I tell my kid they’re going to be seeing a counselor?

As therapists, we’re here to help and to serve you. If you’re ever on the phone with me or meeting me for the first time, I give you complete permission to put me in the hot seat! I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to answer all of your questions and ease all of your concerns, but I will do my best to help you understand the therapy process and ultimately take the first step to helping your child be happy, healthy and back to being the kid you know them to be.