Did I Do Something Wrong?
/3 Common Adolescent Behaviors That Prove It’s Not Your Fault
Time after time, I meet with the worried parents of a teenager, telling me how their kid isn’t acting like themselves; it seems like overnight they became disrespectful, selfish, moody, uncaring, and a lot of times, just plain mean. Sometimes the parents are angry, sometimes they’re worried, sometimes they’re sad, and other times, they share this overwhelming feeling of guilt…“Did I do something wrong for my kid to turn out like this?”
It always humors me a little because, most of the time, the kid is really just being a teenager. They seem to morph into this monster of a child who is unrecognizable, but my favorite thing to tell parents is, “This is normal, and it’s not your fault.” And the best part is, it’s the truth…teenagers go through a lot of changes between the ages of 12 and 18 that are necessary for their development. According to Erik Erickson (the guy who defined the stages of development), whether they realize it or not, teenagers have one main task that they are trying to accomplish in their development, and that task is creating a “theory of self,” or in simpler terms, figuring out who they are. As parents, we often say to our kids:
· “You don’t have to be like everyone else.”
· “Be confident in who you are.”
· “This isn’t how I raised you to be.”
· “Why do you feel like you always have to fit in?”
And, to be honest, it wouldn’t surprise me that a lot of teenagers don’t know how to respond to these statements. So we face them with this impossible statement or question, and then, in return, we get the scoffing, or the “You’re so annoying,” or the classic, “You just don’t understand!” and then we get upset, wondering what we did wrong.
It’s really not your fault….they are just being a normal teenager…let’s say that again…“They are just being a normal teenager…it’s not my fault.” Write this down, hang it on your mirror, repeat it daily because everything is going to be okay. To help you out, I’m going to list 3 teenage behaviors that are “normal,” so if you see your teenager doing any of these things…“It’s not my fault, they’re just being a teenager.”
1) Talking Back
This is probably the most common one that I hear; the parent asks the teenager to do something simple (wash the dishes, take out the trash, pick up their room, etc.) and the teenager refuses or has 20 different excuses of why it’s not fair. All that’s happening here, is the teenager is challenging the norm and pushing the limits to prove they are an independent person outside of their parents. Typically leading up to this point, kids are extremely dependent on their parents for nearly everything and in adolescence they begin to discover this idea of autonomy, but don’t quite know what that means yet, so they swing to the opposite side of the spectrum, proving they have their own ideas and thoughts (even if they don’t always make sense). This most frequently leads to talking back and arguing about seemingly simple requests.
2) Mood Swings
Have you ever been talking to your teenager, having a great conversation, and all of a sudden, without realizing it, you apparently said something wrong, and your teenager gets super offended and angry? The yelling quickly turns to tears, which soon results in them storming off to their room, only to hear them laughing on the phone with their friend a few minutes later? And then they come out of their room an hour later and seem totally fine? Yeah? Again, it’s normal…and my only explanation here is the combination of their changing hormones and a still-developing brain. The influx of hormonal changes that occur during adolescence create these intense feelings that seem to have no apparent trigger, and research shows that the prefrontal cortex or “logic center” of our brain doesn’t fully develop until adulthood, and this combination makes it difficult to control. Not that it’s impossible, but their brain isn’t yet functioning in the same way as an adult’s would, so their responses sometimes seem random or illogical.
3) Low Self-Esteem
From my interactions with parents, I think this one makes them the most worried or creates the most intense feelings of guilt because it doesn’t seem to make sense. I’ll hear parents say, “They used to be so happy and sure of themselves,” or “They were such a confident kid with so many friends.” And the parent longs for their child to be happy and to love themselves the way they do. They see their teenager as talented, competent, smart, strong-willed, etc. and the teen can’t seem to grasp the idea of it. A lot of times, the teen is facing the normal identity crisis that comes with adolescence and truly don’t know who they are. They immerse themselves in friendships and a social life in attempts to figure it out, and typically distance themselves from their parents as they create their own ideas of loyalty and commitment in relationships. Sometimes they figure this out rather quickly and find a solid group of friends, and other times, they go through a lot of different friends as they develop their idea of who they are and who they ultimately want to be.
With all this said, there are times when parents notice their teenager’s behavior is problematic and are justified in their concern. My general rule to follow when determining what is developmentally typical versus problematic is when the behavior seems to be exaggerated or dangerous. Some of the ways to identify problem behaviors is asking yourself:
· Is my child’s behavior creating severe consequences (especially long-term)?
· Is this behavior creating physical or emotional harm?
· Does this behavior significantly reduce the quality of life for my teenager or the family?
These behaviors can include: suicidal thoughts/attempts, self-injury, using drugs and alcohol (beyond experimentation), excessive weight loss or gain, promiscuity, refusal to go to school, complete disengagement from parents, or running away from home.
If you notice any of these behaviors, it’s important to reach out for professional help. Teenagers go through a lot of changes and try a lot of different things, but we never want their life to be negatively impacted in the long-run. At the end of the day, you know your child better than anyone, and if you have any concerns, it’s best to address these concerns with a professional. At Yearego Professional Counseling, we specialize in child and adolescent issues and are always willing to answer any questions you may have.